I dreamt of Darrel last night for the first time. I am a big dreamer so am not surprised that I did.
I dreamt that I flew off for a vacation in a sunny, hispanic-speaking location. It wasn’t Mexico, but it was similar in that it was a friendly place, friendly people, and with sun and sand.
I was sitting talking with a gentleman that worked at the place I was staying. I realized that I hadn’t shaved my legs (yes, really!) and that I hadn’t brought any of my ‘personal’ things like a razor, shampoo, conditioner, etc. I said, “Oh, yeah, that stuff is all on the boat.” I needed to call to have Darrel bring them with him.
He asked me when Darrel was going to be there and I couldn’t even remember what time it was or how long it took me to get there. He showed me his watch, which said it was 1:53. I asked a woman sitting close to me how long it took her to get there and she told me 5 hours.
I then called Darrel and asked him when he was leaving. He wasn’t sure but he would be there shortly. I couldn’t figure out why we hadn’t traveled together. Then I said, “Oh, that’s right, he’s dead.”
I have always been a big dreamer and, yes, I dream in color. Not sure why I decided to post this except that I haven’t posted anything for a while.
It has been difficult on a day to day basis. I go along doing fine then will suddenly get weepy. Last night I yelled out loud, “Damn You, Darrel.” Meaning, Damn you for leaving me all alone.
Who ever thinks that they will suddenly be left alone at 59, or 29, or 79? Even though we knew it was coming, there were so many things left undone, unsaid, or shared. Like the password to his voice mail!
One of the things that makes me crazy is that I don’t remember the names of the apple trees in the yard! I think I know 3 of the 4 but am not sure. I remember him asking me not too long before he died what the name of the one in the backyard was. I thought he knew them all! (I think it is the Spartan.)
So, there are a lot of regrets, a lot of sorrows, and a lot of time alone. I have had many friends checking in on me and going to lunch and other things, but it is still a lonely existence right now.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and crying right now. Maybe I just need to get it out once in a while. And, no, this isn’t a plea for people to post, text, or call me, just a way to share and hope others can take something from it.
Millers' Time 
You are not alone. Remember you are stuck with me for life. I want to say damn it to Darrel too. I’m mad that he left us, but then I wouldn’t trade the time I had with him even if I knew I was going to lose him all too soon. It would be impossible to know everything he knew because he was so damn smart. We’ll can name the apple trees anything we want and because of his love and care they will still bear fruit long after we’re gone. I think one should be called Stella Giggy, just because it is so fun to say. I’m sure if we have enough wine or adult beverages we can come up with some other names for the apples. You know me and nicknames.
My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through. The whole thing sucks and it is so unfair. I just don’t get it.
Whatever you are feeling and doing is perfect. Crying is good, stuffing your emotions like the yummy turkey we are going to have-not so much. Just be sure to wear waterproof mascara or maybe none at all.
Love you more than you’ll ever know. I am so grateful to have known Darrel and to have you as my BFF.
Vanessa
Thanks for sharing, and its ok to cry, let it out. It was good having lunch with you and we can do it often. Love you. Liz ps. remember to eat and try sleep even if you don’t feel like it! Benadry it a wonderful thing. 🙂
so glad you are able to share your feelings with us. Remember that no matter how lonely we feel, God is always there with us — even if it doesn’t feel like it. Love ya.
Yes, damn that Darrel! His pain is over but he goes and leaves you (and everyone else) in pain. You are going through the hardest time in your life right now, but you will get through it. You are strong and there is happiness ahead for you. Keep sharing, keep living and hang in there. We love you, Karen and Brian
It is a long process, and it is beneficial to get mad and cry to relieve inner emotions. Daily life eventually overtakes the sadness, and you will always have the memories that are wonderful reminders of the good times together. Thinking of you…
Dearest Robin, everything that you are feeling is totally normal. Sharing your feelings is very healthy. My heart goes out to you in empathy and understanding. As I told my stepson who lost his mother two years ago the day after Thanksgiving, she had just turned 50, grief is a process. It is unique to each of us, you will feel things one day and then something else another day. The four stages of grief doesn’t always follow a clear path. One moment you will be angry, then sad, in denial the next and it can loop back and forth. You express your feelings as you feel them. Don’t hold back. Everyone who is following this page understands you are grieving. We want to be here for you during this time. Let our shoulders help you with your burden. If you need to shout from the roof tops, do it. Take on second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Eventually that will extend into one month at a time and then one year at a time. You are truly honoring your love for Darrel and his for you by grieving. As for that fruit tree in the back yard, one day, when the fog of grief has cleared a bit, it will come to you. Out of the clear blue, it will come to you. If you need anything, just reach out. You have a circle of friends who are ready willing and able to be here for you. We just wait for that call from you, when you are ready.
Hugs Thank you for sharing It is hard to put yourself out there Wish I could help If you want to get together for lunch or to teach me how to cook… Call
Aww….sorry to hear you are sad, but not surprised at all. There will certainly be good days and bad days. You are a strong woman and I am certain you will be okay, even though it may not feel that way right now. The loneliness will get better as well. Take care of yourself.
Yes, you probably do need to get it out once in a while. Just want to let you know that I only live 5 minutes away and if you ever want someone there night or day, just call. I listen well. No, I do not feel sorry for you but it’s O.K. for you to feel sorry for yourself. I feel bad that you are in such a painful place right now. Hope you get some sleep tonight and have good dreams. Love You, Trish Date: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 04:16:51 +0000 To: frankj3@msn.com
Dear Robbin, Diane had some surgery today, elective, cosmetic. I read her your post and she asked me to let you know that she is thinking about you. She wants you to know that what you’re feeling is normal, awful but normal. She says it’s good that you are dreaming about Darrell. It’s always good to share these feelings and to talk about them. It will be 2-3 days before she can do any phone talking, but she looks forward to talking to you, as do I. Hugs from us both
Steve And Diane
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Yes. Cry all you can. It helps for a while
Sent from my iPhone
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